The end of 2012 was approaching and I was putting a great deal of effort into redefining my studio. New logo, new prices, new policies, an entirely new look and feel for 2013, the blog crossed my mind a time or two but I never really settled on what to do about it. Should I blog daily, weekly, only when I am super excited about a shoot? Should I blog only business or should I open myself up to everyone on a more personal level. Two weeks into the new year and here I sit still unsure of what to do.
I just finished reading an autobiography my baby brother wrote as part of an application for admittance into a monastery. As I began reading it I laughed a little as I consider how differently he perceived our childhood home. His memories and mine were totally and completely different. I started to wonder how my older sisters memories compared to either mine or my brothers. I thought how odd that two people who grew up in the same home with the same parents could have such differing experiences. Was life really all that different for us or was it simply our perceptions that were different? I believe it was probably the latter of the two. This summer I was home for a couple of weeks and during that time my dad made us clear out his garage. Apparently he was tired of holding onto the countless boxes of precious memories we had acquired over the years. As I dug through the boxes I enjoyed some good laughs, I revisited some tough times, and shook my head in disbelief. It was a cleansing of not only the garage but of the soul. Though, my soul still needs a good pressure wash as it struggles to let go of some memories not only from my childhood but also from my adulthood. I've always said I have no regrets in life as every decision I have made lead me to where I am today. Of course now as I sit here I am forced to consider if where I am today is something to be excited about! Reading my brothers honest reflection I decided that opening oneself up for the world to really see isn't a bad thing. People can take it or leave it-Maybe in reading about me and my life will somehow affect you and your life. Maybe many of us experience the same struggles, the same highs, the same lows. Maybe knowing we are not alone will benefit us all. Maybe this blog can and will be a stepping stone in my own healing.
I find myself crying nearly every day. Sometimes because I am truly sad, sometimes the tears seem to fall for no apparent reason. There are days it seems even creating a grocery list will bring me tears and thank you very much Publix for your Christmas commercial. Sometimes when life hands you lemon you find yourself out of sugar and unable to make lemonade. Sometimes you might find that you just don't want to go to the store and buy the sugar because that sour ick is what you think you deserve. I look around at all I have and wonder why the tears won't stop. I have these four incredibly beautiful children, who make me laugh, make me scream, make me want to run away, and make waking up every morning so worth it.I have a roof over my head. Oh sure, under the roof is some carpet that needs replaced, some tacky gold light fixtures, a broken bathroom cabinet, and a huge master bath tub I can't use. There is also beautiful memories of our time in Japan, comfy new furniture, and a zillion pictures. It's as if all the happiness in the world is at my fingertips, just waiting for me to grab and I am not sure I deserve all of it-maybe a small sampling, but not too much.
I am grabbing hold of the new year! I am super excited about the possibilities it presents not only on a personal level but also on a professional level. I want my studio to blow up and I know it will. I have so many ideas and can't wait to give them all a try. I'm going to grow personally and hopefully let go of some of my demons-forgive myself. That is what I decided two weeks ago would be my new year resolution-forgiving, letting go, and moving on. Things are looking for good business wise as I finished off 2012 on such a high note and am starting 2013 off on a pretty good note. I've also decided to do a 365 project. I had considered this for and couldn't come up with anything to shoot every day for a year. Well, as I watched my five year old daughter get off the bus today I was inspired. Yes, inspiration strikes at some of the weirdest times. I decided I am going to document her daily outfits.
Kayse (pronounced Case) is my youngest living child. She turned 5 on December 20th and is very much her own person. She has the most dynamic personality and is incredibly head strong. (She totally gets that from her daddy). Her independence is my fault as I encouraged all my kids to be themselves and I never really stepped in when it came to choices being made that were harmless. You know, wearing a dress to bed rather than pj's; pouring honey over their rice because it might taste good; or wearing read and white polka dot shoes with purple and cream colored leggings, and a green shirt with pink and white plaid flip-flops on the front! Yes, everyone that is what she wore to school today. She did her own hair-sort of. She pulled the pony tail over and asked me to put the pony tail holder in after several failed attempts. As she runs off to the bus I wonder what her teacher thinks or the other school employees. I have no issue getting crazy looks at the store as I assume everyone knows I didn't actually dress her. Should I step in and put my foot down a little more, maybe. Is the world going to come to a screeching halt if I don't, no it won't. She is a ray of light in my life, she is my rock, she is this huge personality that will burst if I try to hold it back or confine it in any way. I adore her and her sense of fashion.
These snapshots were taken today as she came home from school. Yes, there is a difference between a snapshot and portrait! Really, how can I make this free spirit conform!