October is "pregnancy and infant loss" awareness month. Yesterday, October 15th, was officially "pregnancy and infant loss remembrance" day. I said a prayer for my daughter and the many angels who are with her in heaven and of course the countless families who have lost a child. For me and, I imagine, so many others everyday is a remembrance day. Everyday we remember our children as we ponder the what could have been. Everyday, is faced with the "I wonder" mentality. Even on the best days, when I feel the strongest and the most removed from the grief and pain there is always a lingering question; I wonder if she would be in gymnastics or if she would prefer soccer. I wonder if she would love macaroni and cheese as much as these two girls. I wonder if she would have a favorite blanket. I wonder if she would let me fix her hair and get her dressed up. I wonder what she would have on her Christmas list. I wonder what kind of birthday party she would want. I wonder if she would like this movie. I wonder if she would wear tennis shoes, would she want to be tucked up, would she be loud and crazy or quiet and subdued, would she like to draw, would she use her pillow as an art board, would she like to take baths, would she like to snuggle, would she, would she, would she! Everyday, I wonder.
I wonder why Jayson gets to turn 4 in October. I wonder why Eli gets to turn 4 in February. I wonder why Julie gets to turn 4 in May. I wonder why my daughter had to be the statistic, the 1 in 4. I wonder how I could be so awful to wonder such horrible things. As I see pictures of the kids she was supposed to be friends with and hear stories of their childhood, I wonder if she would be doing the same. I wonder what funny antidotes I could be posting about her. I wonder if they would have been friends or would they have spent their time together pulling hair, and climbing over each other. I wonder if I would be as excited about her as these parents are about their nearly 4 year olds. I wonder if I would have had enough in me to love her and adore her and shower her or if she would have simply been one more kid in the small herd. I wonder if I willed her dead.
I wonder why on Sunday as I sat at the movies and thought, hmm she hasn't moved much today I accepted the tiny little flutter kick as enough, as opposed to freaking out and thinking, hmm she hasn't moved all that much I should get to the hospital. I wonder why on Saturday when I sat on the exercise ball thinking good lord it feels like if my water were to break she would fly out of me I didn't think, hmm maybe all this pressure means something and I should go get it checked out. I wonder why on Friday when I closed my eyes and she went all crazy I didn't panic and go what the heck was all that about-I wonder why I accepted it as her getting comfortable for the night rather than going to the doctor. I wonder why the Monday prior when asked if I was having contractions I said nothing to get excited about rather than saying yes, I am having mild contractions all day everyday. I wonder if I really was or if I'm asserting that into my memory as a way to blame myself. I wonder why when the technician said I was having contractions every 5 minutes during my stress test that very same day I didn't tell her they were painful, even though they weren't. I wonder why after being told I was having contractions every 5 minutes the doctor sent me home.
I wonder how different our lives would be had she not died. I wonder how different I would be. I wonder how different each of my kids would be. I wonder how different my marriage would be. I wonder how different my relationship with God would be. I wonder how different a friend I would be.
Everyday. I wonder. Everyday. I remember.