The Beginning of the End
Three years ago today just after twelve noon my life took a turn I never ever imagined it would take. I started that day like every other day. Woke up got the kids ready for school and out the door. Got Kaleece and Kayse up and ready for the day; Kaleece would be headed to OMS and Kayse would be going to a friends house. I ate a bowl of Lucky Charms trying to perk my little baby girl up as she seemed a bit quiet, and I called my friend Stacey.
My appointment was at noon so I loaded the girls up in the van and headed out dropping Kaleece off at 11:40. I met my friend Elisa on the street as she was walking past my van we stopped and chatted. I joked about still being pregnant and said one way or the other I wasn't leaving the hospital without having a baby. I was at that time 4 days overdue, uncomfortable, and ready to be done. In my mind the doctor was finally going to say okay we will go ahead and induce you. In my mind if she didn't say that I was going to say it for her. I pulled away talking Liliahna trying to convince her that life would be so much better outside my belly.
I sat in the corner reading a magazine as I waited for the technician to come in. I was 35, considered high risk so every week I had been coming in for monitoring. They would hook me up and listen to the heartbeat to make sure it sounded strong and healthy-a stress test. The technician came in and had me move to another chair. We chatted as we did every week about me still being pregnant and having yet another girl. She looked at me and looked at the monitor and looked at me again. She said, I'm sorry. That was it "I'm sorry". She got up and brought in a Dr. who looked at the monitor and tried a few things and he too looked at me and said, "I am so sorry, I don't see anything, there is nothing there". The third Dr came in and looked, same thing. They shut all the doors to the room and started asking questions I couldn't answer, tears falling, in a fog, like I was there but I wasn't.
I called Gerald.
"She's dead" is all I could say.
He came, they took us to a tiny office and a doctor came in and began to explain what would come next. We had options. I could stay pregnant until my body went into labor or we could stay and they would induce me or we could come back later and they would induce me. We decided to go home and tell the kids and then come back later that evening around 5:30 I think. We walked out of the room and I remember so vividly seeing Melissa and the chief. Side by side they stood there, Melissa was crying more than me I think. She hugged me and we stood there crying.
We sat at the house waiting for the kids to come home. Luis had picked them up for us-Izayah came walking into the house singing and so happy. I know he thought we were having the baby or that she was already born. I looked at them and my heart broke.
It started with a "you know how I go to the doctor all the time to make sure the baby is okay?"
"she is not okay, she died. Your baby sister died in my belly".
I had said that morning one way or the other I am having this baby today. We walked into the hospital, went to the 5th floor, checked in knowing we were leaving without a baby. All I wanted was to be done with the pregnancy and at the moment I would have agreed to another 20 months of pregnancy if it meant she would be alive.
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